Nurse or Party Planner?

Bob commented on my last post that nursing seems like hard work. It is, but the terminal diagnoses are few and far between. Most of the time I find myself being a strange kind of event/appointment coordinator. It's sort of a combination between a party planner, personal assistant and drug dealer.

My day goes something like this...

We'll send you first thing in the morning to cardiovascular testing for your stress test. You'll be there sometime between 1 and 4 hours. Please sign here on this consent form. Consider it like a kind of RSVP.

You have a blood draw due in 30 minutes, and then radiology would like to squeeze you in for a chest x-ray. After that you have an appointment with physical therapy (Oh, by the way, even though I don't know exactly when they're coming, I need to give you pain medication 30 minutes prior to your therapy.)

For lunch you'll have a choice between the house specialty, "Nothing per oral" or better known as 'NPO'" or "Starvation for the sake of testing." Actually, not allowing patients to eat isn't really for the purposes of testing. It's actually a hidden plot to make the patients think that hospital food actually tastes good once we finally allow you to eat. But I digress...

Did I mention that CT and Respiratory Therapy would both like to see you at the same time? They both claim that they are very backed up, and now is the only time they can see you. Even though you're in severe pain, and starving, would you mind splitting yourself in two so that you can be in two places at once?

By the way, your wife called, but due to HIPAA laws I couldn't tell her if you were dead or alive... Maybe she'll call back later. Of course you'll probably be out for another test, and I still won't be allowed to talk to her...

After your testing is complete, you'll have to wait around for hours for your meeting with your doctor. Sorry that I can't tell you exactly what time that will be, but I only have nominal control over your schedule, and absolute none over his.

I hope you enjoy your stay at Le Hospital de Americana. Please don't call me when you get the bill; I only do scheduling, and I'm not allowed to give health care advise over the phone.